


Fallacy

by RainbowMartin



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Logan Has Feelings And He Doesn't Like That
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 02:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16525454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowMartin/pseuds/RainbowMartin
Summary: Logic is not infallible. Logan finds this out the hard way.





	Fallacy

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Injury mention, illness mention, repressing feelings, neglect of self-care, being overwhelmed by emotions, crying.
> 
> Notes: Belated for Logan’s birthday, sort-of-not-really a response to the recent video...do I have any idea what this actually is? Nope! Am I sharing it anyway, because I think y’all are going to enjoy it? Yep! <3

Logan stared at a blank wall.

There was a discomfort somewhere in his chest that he ignored. He wasn't ill, he couldn't be injured, so the discomfort was nothing that needed to be addressed.

Logan stared at a blank wall.

He hadn't spoken to the other Sides in over two weeks. It wasn't necessary, after all--he did his job perfectly well on his own.

Logan stared at a blank wall.

Ignoring the occasional half-hearted knocks at his door and the hollow aching in his chest cavity, Logan sat in his chair. He operated at the level necessary for Thomas’s functionality, with no extra frills or fluff.

Logan stared at a blank wall and felt nothing.

 

Another two weeks passed. The discomfort grew steadily, getting more and more unbearable. He didn't know what it was and had no way of finding out, and therefore no way to fix it ( _ I am not broken) _ .

Perhaps it was like the story of the frog. Everyone knows it, right? A frog placed in boiling water will jump straight out. But a frog placed in cold water that is slowly heated to boiling will let itself die because it doesn't notice what is happening until it is too late.

But then, Logan was not a frog.

 

It was past midnight. The discomfort had sharpened acutely, a pain in the center of his chest and in the pit of his stomach. Logan couldn't endure it any longer, and yet he did not know how to fix it ( _ not broken _ ). He stood up.

He was stiff. His body hurt, despite not truly having a body. ( _ Side effect of being a manifestation of a concept. _ ) After a second of standing, Logan collapsed to the ground. He was shaking, trembling from the pain. He didn't understand. ( _ What is happening to me? _ )

The unknown is terrifying, but terror is an emotion. Logan didn't have emotions, therefore Logan could not be terrified. Logan was terrified.

( _ Logical fallacy? But surely I am infallible.) _

Logan stood up once again. And once again, Logan fell.

 

His body was moving without intent now, making his way slowly to the door. He had finally managed to stand up without immediately crumpling back down. His mind sounded like static and his chest felt tight. His eyes hurt. ( _ Why do my eyes hurt? Unknown.) _

The doorknob was cold beneath Logan's hand. He opened the door. The hallway smelled like some sort of food, something sweet and warm.  _ (Conclusion: Patton has been baking.) _

The static was too loud now. Logan couldn't think of anything other than the unidentified pain. As he stood stiffly in the hallway, he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and a gasp.

 

“Lo? Logan, you...you're out of your room,” whispered Patton disbelievingly.

“Yes.” ( _ A factual observation. _ )

Patton stepped the rest of the way up the stairs slowly. “Are you okay?”

Logan didn't move or speak for a moment. Then he felt himself begin to tremble again. “I...I don't f--I think I may be...ill.”

“Oh--okay, come here, let's get you sitting down.” Patton sounded...worried. “Come here. No, not back into your room, Logan, downstairs with me. That's it.”

By the time Logan was being guided over to the couch, everything had just gotten worse. The pain was so intense that he was curling in on himself with his arms wrapped around himself, and the static in his mind was deafening. ( _ Falling. _ )

 

“Logan, can you focus on me?” Serious. Patton sounded serious. ( _ Highly unusual. _ ) “Logan, look at me. I need you to tell me what's wrong.”

“I cannot.”

“Why not, Logan?” Patton crouched down in front of him, putting one hand on Logan's knee.

“I do not know what is wrong.”

“Alright, okay.”

“If I knew,” Logan continued, “I would not have left my room.”

“You knew you needed help,” whispered Patton. “I'm proud of you, Logan.”

The pain sharpened abruptly. Logan couldn't hold back a gasp.

“Okay, okay. Logan, where does it hurt? Can you describe it to me?” asked Patton.

Logan shook his head. He could not describe something he did not understand.

“Point to where it hurts,” Patton suggested.

In trying to locate a central point of the pain, Logan suddenly realized that though it seemed as if the pain emanated from somewhere in his chest and stomach, it was impossible to pinpoint. ( _ This does not make logical sense. Pain always has a cause. _ )

 

“Logan, honey, I need you to try, okay? I can't do much to help if I can't figure out what's wrong.”

There were footsteps on the stairs. Two sets, and two gasps in unison. “Logan?” Virgil exclaimed.

“You're out!” Roman added unhelpfully.

“Something's wrong,” Virgil said. “Pat, what's wrong with him?”

“Shh, you two. We're trying to figure that out right now, right, Lo?” Patton reached up and touched Logan's hand. “C'mon, honey, focus on me. Will you show me where it hurts?”

Logan's hand went up slowly to touch his chest.

“Inside? Logan...Logan, is it a physical pain? Or is it, um, psychological?”

( _ Impossible, impossible, I cannot experience psychological pain, I have no emotions. I have no emotions, I have no emotions, I...I have no…) _

 

“I think you might be having some really hard feelings right now,” murmured Patton. “And I think you're fighting it with your whole self. Logan, you're not helping yourself by doing this.”

Logan couldn't breathe. “Patton.”

“I'm here, honey. Talk to me.”

Shaking his head, Logan tried to speak. “I can't--I don't...I  _ can't _ !” The word exploded out of him in a forceful, choked expulsion of air and a spasm of his throat, combined with a heaving of his shoulders. His eyes stung, and his vision blurred.

“Oh, Logan...let yourself cry, okay?”

“Impossible, I don't--”

“I know, Logan, you don't know how to do this. That's okay. You don't have to understand, certainly not until you get this out of your system.” Patton got up onto the couch, sitting next to Logan. “You can have a good cry and maybe some rest, and then we'll talk. You'll feel better after, I promise.”

“I don't feel-- _ anything _ ,” Logan faltered.

“Sweetheart, just because you ignore it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. You deny it, and it gets worse. Don't think I haven't seen all the outbursts, and how you just push everything deeper each time,” Patton said. “And...I guess I thought...I  _ hoped _ you'd realize it on your own, and learn from it, but I think...I think that isn't going to happen. I should have helped you earlier, I'm so sorry, Lo.”

( _ A sense of anger and confusion is common when a cognitive dissonance that one is holding onto is challenged. _ )

 

Anger. Logan recognized that emotion within himself. He also recognized that acknowledging that he had one emotion meant that he had to be holding a false belief when he insisted that he had none. The two pieces of knowledge were incompatible.

Fury at himself pressed at his throat and behind his eyes. He could see Patton shrink back slightly, as if he could sense the anger and wanted to be farther away from it. Clearly, Patton expected an outburst of some sort. Possibly violent.

Logan almost expected such an explosion of rage himself. He could feel it building, rising inside him until the pressure was almost unbearable. He was filled with the sudden, certain belief that if he did not let go  _ right now _ , he would surely die.

 

A tiny sound escaped him. He bent his head, staring at his legs with blurry eyes. Another sound left his throat, and his shoulders shook. Then it happened again. And again. And Logan could feel liquid on his cheeks and the pressure slowly receding like it was being let out with the tears.

“Logan, Logan, honey…”

“I don't understand,” sobbed Logan. ( _ I do not cry, yet I am crying. This is a logical inconsistency. _ )

“I've gotcha,” soothed Patton. “You don't have to understand. You trust me...right?” There was hesitation in his voice, uncertainty.

“Yes,” Logan replied.

“Oh! Good, Logan, good. I'm...I'm glad. Then, I've gotcha, alright? Nothing bad is gonna happen. I'm here, and everything will be okay. You can let go, it's okay.”

Logan felt heavy. He was weighed down by his own failure to remain emotionless. He doubled over, clutching at his stomach. “Help me,” he begged, hearing his voice as if it was someone else speaking. “Help me, please.”

 

A soft pressure on the small of his back told him that Patton was touching him. “Breathe, breathe through it,” said Patton. “Don't hold it back.”

“I am afraid.”

Patton shushed him gently. “I'm glad you're acknowledging that, but focus on breathing first, alright?”

Coughing and gasping through labored sobs, Logan nodded. The pressure continued to leave his chest, like a slowly deflating balloon. He was vaguely aware that Roman and Virgil had come down the rest of the stairs and had crouched down several feet away from the couch.

“You're doing really good,” Patton encouraged. “It's scary, I can tell, and I'm proud of you for letting go as much as you are.”

“Hurt,” managed Logan. “I couldn't…” Weak sobbing took over his voice as he brought his arm up to cry into his elbow.

Patton slid closer to him until their legs were pressed together. He kept his hand on Logan's back. “It hurt too much to keep it in any longer. Yeah, I understand. Roman, hand me a blanket from the stack behind you, please? Thank you, kiddo.”

The blanket was wrapped around Logan's shoulders. It was warm.

 

“Why am I doing this?” Logan said between sobs. “Why--why--why--?” ( _ Stuck in a cycle of thought, cannot break out. Trapped. Lost. Why--why--why-- _ )

“Shhh, Logan, stop. Stop talking.”

“Why--why--”

“Logan, please,” Patton requested. “Stop fixating. Look at me, just think about my voice. We've got to keep you grounded. Oh, Lo, honey. You haven't been taking care of yourself at all, have you? Just breathe.”

Logan tried to catch his breath, biting back the word he was still stuck on ( _ why why why why why _ ) so it didn't leave his throat. Patton was holding the blanket around him so it applied gentle pressure on his body. Logan was shaking as he cried, his stomach hurting from the force of his sobs. “How do I make it stop?” he asked desperately. ( _ I need it to stop. _ )

 

Patton's hands came up to cradle Logan's face. He wiped away the liquid on Logan's cheeks. “You don't, sweetheart.”

Logan cried harder.

“No--what I mean is, you shouldn't try and stop it, okay? You need to get it out.” Patton leaned forward to touch his forehead against Logan's. “But I'm trying to make it easier. I'm taking care of you as much as I can.”

“Why?” Logan asked brokenly. “You have no reason to care for me. No reason to help me.”

“No reason?” echoed Patton. “Logan, I love you. That's more than enough reason.”

“You are too forgiving, I...I hurt you,” said Logan. ( _ Hurt Patton. Hurt all of them. Better to fade back into pure function, before all of this started, it was so much easier before...before… _ )

“Logan…oh, Logan.”

( _ Did I say that out loud? _ )

 

“You can't go back,” said Patton quietly. “I know it might feel like it would be easier, but you can't go back. You're you now. You can't go back to not being you.”

“Why not?” Logan pleaded. Patton was trying to pull him into a hug, but it wasn't helping.

“Well, for one thing, I don't think it's even possible,” Patton tried to explain. “We exist now, in Thomas's mind and in the mind of thousands of other people.”

Logan barely acknowledged what Patton said, though he knew it was true, but he did hide his face in Patton's shoulder.

“And for another,” added Patton, cradling the back of Logan's neck, “we would miss you, sweetheart. So, so much.”

 

“But I've been so cruel to you all,” Logan managed, shoulders heaving as he continued to cry. ( _ Can't stop, why can't I stop? _ ) “L-logically, you should rather I was gone.”

“No, no. You're our family, Logan, and we love you. And...and you've been...having a hard time, and we know that. You've been lost. And you've lashed out as you tried to find your way.” Patton rubbed Logan's back, rocking from side to side and holding him close. “And I won't lie, honey, you said and did things that hurt us. When you've calmed down, we'll have to talk about that. But not right this second, okay? Just let yourself cry.”

“I don't want to, Patton, I don't want to cry, I don't cry, I don't understand,” whimpered Logan.

“I know, I know. Shhhh.”

Logan gave up. He slumped into Patton's arms and wept. ( _ Can't stop. Can't stop, impossible, so no point in trying. _ )

 

“There, you're alright. You're alright. I've got you. You'll be alright. You're doing so good, I'm so proud of you. Keep crying, long as you need.” Adjusting the blanket around Logan, Patton added, “And then you should rest. I’d guess you haven't had real sleep in...in a while, if you've been trying to turn back into thought. Oh, Logan, you really haven't been treating yourself well.”

( _ I am exhausted. _ ) Logan's eyes were closing even as he cried.

“But I'm not going anywhere. You just cry until you fall asleep, and I'll be right here.”

Logan realized absentmindedly that his tears were slowing down. His body didn't shake with sobs anymore. Patton's hand moved in circles against his back, pulling him deeper and deeper into calm until everything had faded away.


End file.
